I led my first department meeting today. At first I was an awkward idiot, like the first time I asked a girl out — I stared at the ground, I stammered a lot, and I hoped I wasn’t blushing like a complete fucktard. Then, after hearing other managers present their facts and findings, i was like, fuck this shit — I’m a charismatic genius compared to these assholes. I incentivized our benefits for the travel share packages. I’m gonna talk to the front desk about integrating new policies. We’re gonna coordinate with reservations to try to make guests consider ownership packages. I’m gonna do stuff with paperwork and talk to people to make things happen. In your face, stupid facebook uploads of people holding signs talking about “life” and “what matters”. Congrats on being a bunch of stupid self-loathing artists with nothing better to do.
My policy of “wear a nicer suit than everyone to intimidate them” works quite well. Except the building manager always seems annoyed. He tries to be an alpha male, but he’s also about 5’8” and has one of those not-quite beards that makes it hard to take him seriously.
Only in this meeting did I realize something — I so heavily depend on my self-image as the perpetual, whimsical fuck-up that when I actually accomplish something I’m just off-kilter. Like, I can do this whole “manager on duty” thing so easily it could be reflex, I’m just dependent on being that drunk, fuck up, crazy drinking writer guy who talks too much. Adulthood much?
In this, I could for a moment see a different light at the end of the tunnel — a house, a family, a kid, a dog, a mortgage, a bunch of things I don’t picture for myself. It’s weird when you realize, if you walk down a very tight path, that is there. It’s what the system is designed for, and it is comforting. In a sick, hypnotic way.
I dunno, man — creepsville. I always saw myself as an observer of the modern and ancient way, notsomuch a participant. Even if, as they say, the observer affects the observed. Or something.