Maximum Officedrive

  • Me: Fuck. Another company offering me "a night out with my significant other". I think god is mocking me.
  • Boss: Oh, that.
  • Boss: I just told a bunch of vendors you had a gal you were always on the row with so you could use some verve.
  • Me: I...
  • Me: What?
  • Boss: Yeah, you seem so bloody lonely, I thought it'd be a laugh.
  • Boss: [laughs, slaps me on the back, leaves]
  • Me: I...
  • Me: Dammit.

Tall chick fever, you’ll be the death of me. 


The Eternal Train

  • Adam: I realized, we're Snowpiercer.
  • Me: Are you calling me Ed Harris?
  • Adam: DUDE.
  • Adam: You're TOTALLY Ed Harris.
  • Adam: And I'm John Hurt.
  • Me: Then who is...
  • Adam: Phi is Chris Evans.
  • Me: That...
  • Me: See, it...
  • Me: Okay, that makes perfect fucking sense. God damn it.
  • Adam: I know!
  • Adam: It's been bothering me so much.

How can anyone not love Joe Gilgun? 

(Source: capaldi-s)

  • Bob The Cunt: What're yeh laughing at, then?
  • Me: Friend of mine.
  • Me: She changed her profile picture from some cutesy-wutesy dodge with her fellow to just her at her job.
  • Me: Her relationship status is now hidden.
  • Me: And she bought a dog.
  • Me: I just feel...that I can do the math, you know?
  • Bob The Cunt: I'm so glad my generation don't have any social media concerns, seems like it's fucking blinding.
  • Me: Whatever, man, my generation have a lot of time to kill, seeing as the plague or polio or smallpox aren't going to take us out.
  • Me: We don't even get the rickets.
  • Bob The Cunt: Arsehole.

Gonna listen to Askari X at my next meeting and see if I can’t make some more rich white people deeply uncomfortable.

I mean, I don’t have a date, but I’m ambitious and life is short and some day all our art will be ash on a dead planet in a decaying gravity well of nothingness, and perhaps that’s how some unthinkable titanic creature makes art, with dead planets of idealistic pussyhounds.


  • Me: [tapping pen impatiently]
  • Clients: [describing useless shit no one would ever need on a luxury tour]
  • Me: You know.
  • Me: If I wanted to sit around listening to people ask for what they can't have when they already have everything, I'd live on the upper east side.
  • Me: But I'm in California.
  • Clients: ...
  • Me: Fellas, it's Sunday. I just wanna get out of here, go out for a drink with a pretty girl, maybe feel on some butt or get my dick sucked, whatever. But let's not stay here all day while you get all "Deuces Wild" at me.
  • Me: How much do you want to spend, and what can we give you?
  • Clients: ...
  • Representative: Well, we've got a cap on in-city expenses...but.
  • [business commences]
I love Rehabilitating Mister Wiggles, but only because it’s truly, truly awful. I miss that era of Utterly Blue Shock Webcomics, in a totally juvenile way. 

I love Rehabilitating Mister Wiggles, but only because it’s truly, truly awful. I miss that era of Utterly Blue Shock Webcomics, in a totally juvenile way. 

I wish I could go back in time to 15 year old me and hand him ten grand and be like “listen, man — it’s all bullshit in the end. most of these people will never find themselves, or be anything, or crawl out of the pit of having a family too soon, they’ll end up in tiny perimeter towns because they can’t afford a place anywhere real, and their whole lives are going to be this slow downhill crawl into nothing, and you’re going to be a tall rich white man wearing really great suits. I mean, life is still wall-to-wall shit, and happiness turns out to be just one big let-down, and nothing ever actually works, but you have great friends and life is interesting enough to see how the next act goes, so…stop stressing out about Geometry 2.” 

The Smut Show

  • Kelsey: [talking to me]
  • Me: [interrupting] HOW MUCH FOR THE PICTURE OF YOUR TITS?!
  • Kelsey: God damn it.
  • Other Person: Uh.
  • Kelsey: So, what do you think of the show?
  • Me: Needs more labias.
  • Kelsey: There's one right there!
  • Other Person #2: What, you don't have enough labias?
  • Me: I'm the fucking Labia King.
  • Me: Kelsey, testify.
  • Kelsey: God damn it.
  • Kelsey: I didn't want to TESTIFY.
  • Kelsey: But, the thing is...
  • Kelsey: He sort of is.
  • Other Persons 1 & 2: [vaguely distraught and confused expressions]
  • Me: I saw more god damn pussy lips in Wolf Of Wall Street!