Well my boss just wandered into my office, drunk as hell at 2:30 in the afternoon, harangued me about my moodiness, and then left. Today’s so god damn bizarre.
Self Pity Found In A Bathtub
- Me: I'm depressed.
- Me: My sex drive is annihilated.
- Me: My love life is in shambles.
- Me: I barely have the energy to wake up and get out of bed and do my job, much less hang out with friends or touch somebody's boobs.
- Me: All my favorite tools to numb the endless calamity of life seemed dulled, as if I've overindulged.
- Me: I'm lonely.
- Me: I almost feel...exiled from my own life, if you know the feeling.
- Staffer: Are...you talking to me?
- Me: Whoa, I didn't even know you were there.
- Me: I'm, uh, just reading from this Stanislaw Lem book.
God, I love Sex Criminals, even if every four days someone posts a panel on my facebook wall and goes THE DUDE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU
according to human resources it is not legal nor has it ever been legal to hunt people from Los Angeles so I apologize for all the confusion and does anyone want some rifles barely used I mean never used ha ha ha ha
I call this one, “Daniel Tries To Kill Himself Very Quickly Due To A Laughably Expansive Hatred Of Natural Light”
in case you forgot how dashing I look in suspenders
"Mad Barking Fuckers"
- Elena: No, it's his SATURN. God!
- [storms off in a huff]
- Bob The Cunt: FOR SOMETHING SATURNAL IT SEEMS TO BE LODGED IN URANUS!
- Bob The Cunt: Aye, see what I did there?
- Me: I did.
- Me: I wonder why everywhere I go, there seems to be some idiot desperate to convince me there's a sliver of truth in astrology.
- Bob The Cunt: Oh that's obvious, then.
- Bob The Cunt: Yeh've got to have some fuckin' moon unit to make the rest of yeh look like sane people.
- Bob The Cunt: This is an office of mad barking fuckers running around the loony tree, and without that one utterly fuckwit lunar member obsessed with little slots and dalliances, well, we'd be exposed for the massive cunts we are.
- Me: Huh.
- Bob The Cunt: It's all in perspective. Yeh've got to let them believe in their little lies, so the big truths can sit behind them and laugh.
The Torment Unrelenting
- Staffer: Boss, we've got to --
- Me: Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Me: Let me check my schedule.
- Me: [grand flourish, bring out leather-bound notebook]
- Me: Let me see here.
- Me: August 28th, in the year of our lord two thousand and fourteen.
- Me: Says "indifference". Right here.
- Me: Where I wrote it down.
- Staffer: Boss, it's --
- Me: Uh uh uh! The SCHEDULE.
Anonymous asked: Have you considered your constant depression may be related to your substance abuse? Have you ever considered rehabilitation?
One by one, I’ll knock you out.
If you’ve never heard a Scottish man say the word “identical” you owe yourself the treat.