There’s something massively satisfying about cutting our IT department’s power. They’re corporate IT, so they pretty much do nothing all day — drink beer (they’re real big on shitty local IPAs and beer snobs about it) and fuck around on reddit like the slovenly dorks they are and maybe pick up a phone once every three hours, but whoo boy. Cut them off from their power? They flip the fuck out. They’re in the main office on their cell phones, yelling at each other about “company priorities” and this being the second time somehow only their office went down. I suggested maybe having eleven computers plugged into two power strips was a bad idea and they gave me a look like I was a cockroach spitting in their pretzels. I, of course, instructed enough interns and team members to make sure every cubicle computer and spare laptop was occupied by some “project”, so. YOUR MOVE, IT DORKS. TRY DEMANDING A RAISE AGAIN YOU FUCKING REDDITING TOKEN ASIAN GIRLFRIEND’D FAT PIECES OF SHIT. I HOPE YOU KNOW EVERY TIME ANYONE ELSE GOES IN YOUR OFFICE WE TALK ABOUT HOW IT SMELLS LIKE MOLDY FOOD YOU DEGREE-LESS OVERINDULGED SILICON VALLEY FUCKSHITS. 

So far today I’ve had to overexplain things several times to a very dim-witted trophy wife and her rich but indifferent husband, kick a scavenger hunt out of my office, yell at one of my interns for considering donating to someone’s Burning Man fundraiser, deal with my telling off some massively douchey rich Indian guy from yesterday who wanted the creepiest strip club possible (I don’t know why that’s what he wanted but he can go to hell anyways), got plane tickets for going back east in three weeks, and once again bribe security into cutting power to our IT guys’ offices just because I needed laughs. 

Is it so wrong I really relate to Michael’s world weariness in GTA V?

"Besotted" is a strange doozy of a word.

Anonymous asked: Favorite Bob Dylan song?

Ballad Of A Thin Man.

Why Last Action Hero failed—and why it deserves to be rediscovered

Adam and I re-watched Last Action Hero moderately sober not too long ago and discovered not only is the film WAY better than either of us remembered, but it had more and more layers of jokes that we could appreciate (having become advanced connoisseurs of terrible action movies in the intervening times). 

There Are Places More Annoying Than The Mission

  • Client: I was thinking about checking out the Marina.
  • Me: [scoffs derisively]
  • Client: ...excuse me.
  • Me: Ahem.
  • Me: You wanna go check out the yacht club after that? Maybe some golf in Lake Merced?
  • Client: Are you making fun of me?
  • Me: I would never.
Might need to build a new suit rack.

Might need to build a new suit rack.

14 Things To Tell A Lover Who Admits They Don’t Really “Get” Led Zeppelin

have you seen the mad face of
genius twist in snarls and wild cackles up the 
sides of building, sprawling and hurling as it 
vomits profusely in bitter green quarrels, 
have you mailed envelopes full of not bombs but thoughts, 
invisible explosions timed to synapses and wishes
have you built a surround sound system to drown out
your fucking neighbors and sacrificed local pets to 
the great god stereo, 
great god stereo hear my prayers, 
not their fornications! 
have you fought in ten wars with nine guns, 
the last one bare handed because you still 
love a challenge 
have you made lax afternoon love with a stranger on
the kitchen floor of a house that isn’t yours, 
wondering if the burning smell is toast or just 
the cells in your mind dying faster and faster, 
every memory blotted out by time swiftly 
have you ever forgot all the faces and places that
made you alive, have you ever 
seen the mad face of genius, staring sullenly into
bottles of whiskeys 
bottles of pills, 
going genuinely mad from boredom on hot summer days, 
have you screamed at the moon’s insecurities, 
have you danced casually at a wedding of people you’ve 
never seen before, 
have you called your mother recently, 
have you done an artist’s duty, 
have you closed out the bars and opened your own, 
are you alive or are you just 
watching netflix waiting for someone to 
hold your hand, 
have you listened to IV I mean it’s really 
solid, real 
heavy, dig 

Caviar Cadavers & The Legendary Money Strike

  • Boss: Fuck me. Where's the bathroom in this joint?
  • Me: Just past the cocktail lounge.
  • Boss: Well, where's the bloody cocktail lounge?
  • Me: Right before the bathroom.
  • Boss: Do you practice being this aggravating?
  • Me: It comes naturally.

Inspirational Leader


Me: You know what it is, team?
Me: Hard work is like anal sex.
Me: You’re trying to get it in there, but not all the lube and name calling and slapping around and deft foreplay in the world seems to get it done, you’re like dammit why couldn’t I be more conventional, why did…