captain bastard mcbastardface of the good ship...
“You never meet a woman is isn’t a piece of something; ass, work, trouble or art” Come on, man! Read a book, see the movie, jerk off, or tell someone a story already, right? I want martini lunches. I want big dreams and long nights. This graveyard shift’s all in my head at this point. Sitting behind that desk is the same as staring down a dirty shotgun barrel in my garage...
tales of the black hearted romantic
I want to make a girl a mixtape, but I have no girl to make a mixtape for. Shit, I don’t have a girl to make spotify playlist for. Damn this eclectic streak!
auroras and metallic things
Vicodin and beer and almost late to work last night. I arrived in a disheveled shirt already tired. I ordered myself a sandwich while the pretty girl with too many tattoos introduced herself as Aurora. “I know a rather fetching Aurora myself,” I said. She commented on the rarity of the name, and I agreed. I’m a Daniel, which is relatively common. I used to work with several...
I was little, I didn't know shit
Sometimes a girl will tell me to listen to a song that she says reminds her of me, and I’ll listen to it, and it’s total crap, and also about something like a trumpeter who decides to move to Brooklyn and then I’m like, “okay, you’re insane” and then the girl is like “no, it’s about how the song FEELS” and I’m like “I will no longer...
when you believe in things that you don't...
Say it with me now; “I am…” What are you? What’s the first word to follow? Why is, of all things, that the first word? You’re not even a word. You’re a collection of carbon, electrical fields, biological impulses and a complicated sensory apparatus that, in order to distract you from the overwhelming information you deal with on a regular basis, provides a...
Also if you put that on any of your blogs I’m punching you in the dick,...– Clover
I say it’s a beautiful woman you’re going to end up with because...– Clover
for Travis; the Philip K. Dick Headless Story
Philip K. Dick; extaordinary writer, bit of a wacko, plenty of movies both shitty and excellent based on his works. Thanks to the imminent release of “The Adjustment Bureau”, which I’ll probably see just because I see all Philip K. Dick movies in the end, I felt compelled to wiki him to see what else was on the release, and then onto the Philip K. Dick article as a whole. But I...
A girl I dated for awhile told me the weirdest part about dating me was so many of her friends thought I was a fictional character, some fake boyfriend she made up out of desperation — some antagonistic, maudlin, wild, drunk in a suit with a hard-on for girls in glasses and saying whatever came to mind. I told her “I learned everything I know about life from old movies”, and she...
“I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot.” - the first sentence of “Kiss Me, Judas”, Will Christopher Baer I highly recommend this book. One of the best books I’ve read in the past five years, and I don’t hand out positive recommendations for things very easily. A sort of dazed, poetic neo-noir description of loss and lust....
Her face is undeniably excellent
ladal: infinite lulz
GOD DAMN IT WOMAN PT. II
Clover: and that’s not all! Me: oh, fuck OFF Clover: we’ve commissioned a secondary graph Clover: after a thorough study of your target audience Clover: and the impact of certain posts Clover: Me: I am so goddamn mad at you right now Clover: you love it Clover: slut
GOD DAMN IT WOMAN
Clover: so I was reading your tumblr Me: Oh god damn it Clover: no, it’s cute Clover: but it needs a good breakdown if you’re going to market this philosophical rambling poetic changed man routine Clover: and once again the team and I have commissioned a chart Me: God damn it Clover: Clover: now there’s a certain margin of error Me: GOD DAMN IT
The creepy old men of Polk Street stare at my legs, and I think, fuck, I’d be the worst ballerina
I touch many-handed the stray feelings that other damaged men have broken-bottled into dark sense of your new nature, I try to orchestrate less slighted wet eyes as you cry all over my suit, but when you go back to screw him, I jerk off in my room, wondering if the night sky fogs over, if this city will ever experience new seasons Instigated personally by your rejection, I hope for an...
your dangling gravity of legs merge with endless rivers, as I gaze upwards towards your multicolored cunt, wondering if god rides the muni, just like the rest of us saps, and you say, to me, hey, that’s my pussy
hospitals, pianos bars, dive bars, wine tastings,...
It’s a matter of pride for me that I am directly and incontrovertibly responsible for some of the worst hangovers of my friends’ lives.
IT'S A SHALLOW UNIVERSE WITH ALL THAT GRAVITY
Every do often when a friend of mine on Facebook gets on one of those empowerment-feminism “all women are beautiful” kicks and posts pics of creepy fat chicks with weird slogans, I want to just up and say “yeah, but the hot ones are way MORE beautiful”.
pattern recognition for the sensitive modern man
Me: I'm pretty sure I could say ANYTHING and my feminist friends would jump on me
Clover: You're doing it again!
Daniel Vaccerelli Reviews "McCartney II" In A...
Paul McCartney’s “McCartney II” is often as well received as a flesh wound and generally classified as a synth-folk avant-funk experimental style-pop prog-wave album, which makes it sound like whoever classified it was schizophrenic or perhaps just a pretentious bore. In an attempt to catch a bit of that leftover soft and fuzzy Chuck Klosterman-ironic era pussy, I decided to...
when liquored up before ambivalent vomit paints streetwalk with crescents of condescending damnation, consider first escaping bar pretzels with madman’s finesse, you rottweiler stained outfit, you important godwilling monster
that's my plan at least
I will revenge myself for never having gotten laid at a drive-in by fucking all the girls who look like classic starlets
in the infinite splendor your divine legs part bloodied seawater from angry sharkmouths as I watch you torment mermaids
glitch pt. II
“I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” - Winston Churchill Maybe I should start another beard rather than just perpetual stubble. My last one was a fiasco of biblical (jewish) proportions, mostly due to it having equal parts grey and red in it. I have weird (terrible) hair and no, ladies, I will ignore you when you say it’s fine. Maybe...
Dadfog Englishfuck Has Tea With The Sky
The black door opened and Dadfog Englishfuck, executive executor of the Ministry of the Improbable, stepped into the fresh night with a dapper suit and polite smirk. “Good evening,” he said to everyone he almost bumped into. “Oh, pardon,” he would say to others, sheepish grin playing on his face. He was in a hurry, his smart brown case in hand bumping into errant evening...
thalliumtea asked: I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU HEATHEN
in which I say too much
[coffee, coffee, everywhere]
girl in line: hey, fun facts!
girl in line: did you know the top part of a jellyfish is called a bell?
me: I did, actually.
girl in line: what? really? do you do a lot of marine biology?
me: no, I wrote a short story about a psychopathic jellyfish named Edwin who was mad he couldn't kill hookers, so I looked up "parts of a jellyfish" to give it some authenticity.
girl in line: ...
me: that's not how people flirt, is it.
brown-eyed handsome man
you know what I haven’t done with a girl in forever is mundane things. grocery shopping. arguing over bills. talking about clothes in a non-fashion-oriented sense. then again, I haven’t been on a date-date in forever. generally, it seems the only thing that happens is I get awkward drinks, or I occasionally get laid. and I kind of get laid half on my unrelenting sorta-charm and half on...
I miss Richard. Though he’s ruined god knows how many dates I’ve been on, pissed off every one of my friends, insulted every comedian I know, and broke so much of my stuff I could’ve maxed an insurance policy on his collisions alone. Maybe that’s why I miss him - never knew where he was gonna turn up and make shit crazy.
“Do you love her?” “No. But she’s mine.” - Shortcut Man, p.g. sturges I strangle myself with a tie and head for the tea shop and can’t stop noticing how my shoes click really loudly. It’s like Lee Marvin in the hallway in Point Blank. Click click click click click. Even the hobos are staring. I’m transmitting to some elder sewer gods. A telegram...
apparently we yell a lot
Daniel: COME OUT, RETRO NIGHT.
Jenn: No, I have to study.
Daniel: You do NOT have to study, you studied all day yesterday.
Jenn: Ummm, I'm on slide 17 of 55, yes I do I have to study.
Daniel: Come on, the whole reason you started talking to me was 'cause you like making impulsive potentially destructive poor decisions!!!
Jenn: I NEED TO LEARN THE PARTS OF MY FACE
Daniel: I get that you're a a horrible contentious bitch-twat but WHY MUST YOU DESTROY MY DREAMS LIKE THIS?
Jenn: Because it's fun. And I'm responsible. NOW STOP CALLING ME.
Daniel: I'LL STOP CALLING WHEN YOU'RE DOING SHOTS IN THE TENDERLOIN WITH US.
I'll get back to the creepily over-extended...
there’s something fundamentally off about falling asleep around nine and waking up at four. mostly since that’s more sleep than I ever normally get. fortunately, who needs an alarm clock when I have the crackheads next door with a piano. tonight my micromanaging boss is staying on for my shift to give me my “review”. won’t that be the most fun that’s ever...
Matt: But if that's why you're writing like this lately...but then you're telling ME this...then that's just another layer, and you're trolling me.
Me: Am I?
Matt: God dammit Vaccerelli. You know, I had a girl over and I only got her over promising you weren't there to stand around in your boxers and a suit jacket and nothing else.
Me: I know, that's why I made the google plus post.
Me: But HOW did I know?
Matt: There's no way -- okay, you don't control reality to that level.
Me: Am I?
heroin is so passe, hey hey hey
Sometimes in a good book there’ll be a bad sentence that I read several times. I’m used to direction, a sentence’s purposeful movement, a sort of volatile explosion propelling things along to the next collection of words that we append meaning to. Then there comes along a sentence like a plastic wrapper on the side of the road and I have to stop and re-read and hope the chemicals...
I'll be your lover and exorcist
I bought a book about a dominatrix in San Francisco, apparently a comedy, and book of correspondence between John Fante and H.L. Mencken. H.L. Mencken being the inspiration for every indignant antihero journalist you ever loved and idolized and John Fante for being the Bukowski before there was Bukowski. Sort of. Drunk writers and chaos. Also, I spent the evening with my friend Hoffer, who has...
Folks, you’d think I’d be happy I’m alive Cuz all my dreams...– Blanche, “So Long Cruel World”