September 2011
guess how much paperwork is gonna NOT get done...
just finished downloading all of Samurai Jack.
August 2011
Genocide God Comes To Genesis City
Downtown in Genesis City is Metrozone — divided into the Avenues, surrounding each other in a looping child’s scrawl.
Metrozone is the safest part of the city, the most solid, and unsafe. At this, the end, the last city on the planet of the lost name, it is ever-changing and sometimes watery. Reality ripples. Certain Metrozone avenues become unavailable, the signposts and street...
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I feel like I say this too much as is, but fuck it — having a really big dick is pretty awesome.
Peoples
Last night my friend Hoffer was marveling at how many people I meet. And I was thinking, I don’t meet that many people…just more than I used to. Back in the day I was just straight-up rattlesnake mean, now I’m colorfully mean. Charismatically mean.
I go to bars, not to meet chicks, but to get drunk and hit things. I think that’s what bars are for. Instead people end up...
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“He slept on the journey south, But only once For when he was going, and where Only hot weather remained — “
The radio blared out some weird folk tune as the trucker, a wide man named Curry, blasted past the sunny sign. On the sunny sign was a smiling face and the logo reading WELCOME TO CATCH HELL, INDIANA! HAPPIEST TOWN IN ABSOLUTION COUNTY. Even the font was a chipper,...
I dunno who the fuck all the weirdos randomly “circling” me on google plus are, but I don’t know you, so good luck not ever reading or seeing anything I do on there, jag-off.
Sometimes I wish I was a beautiful dame so I could just marry famous, rather than have to do all the effort towards becoming famous myself. Then, I talk to beautiful dames, and it turns out it’s actually a total pain in the ass. Maybe I’ve always got the better end of the stick after all.
so to speak oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
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strange night.
but then, aren’t they all?
what's the matter? no guts?
I’m always kind of amazed at the sort of ridiculous, softie bullshit my friends do to get women, and then also kind of amazed at when women fall for it. Then my dame friends are like, well why don’t you do that, Lothario, and I say because it’s bullshit and it’s insincere. if I’m friends with a dame, I appreciate you on a fucking philosophical and aesthetic level that...
LIKE ALWAYS
go to Lelands, get hit on by all the pretty girls.
…and the owner.
fucking what the fuck japantown sweet jesus nick cave you’ve gone crazy
I'm really hungover after last night's shenanigans...
to watch House Of A 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects before work!
you know, 27 is actually shaping up just fine.
“You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your...”
– William S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch
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wake me up, before you "oh no"
Me: goooood afternoon, Satan!
Christina Hendricksalike: leave me alone, Daniel
Me: YOU PUT THE BOOM BOOM INTO MY HEART
Me: YOU SEND ME SO SKY HIGH WHEN YOUR LOVING STARTS
Me: IT GOES BANG BANG BANG 'TIL MY FEET DO THE SAME
Christina Hendricksalike: wtf
Me: BUT SOMETHING'S BUGGIN' ME, SOMETHING CAN'T BE RIGHT
Me: TAKE ME DANCIN' TONIGHT
Christina Hendricksalike: you can't be real
Me: WAAAAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO
lovelivelifetothefullest10-deac asked: So, this may seem a little weird but I thought I would let you know how much I have appreciated your writing over the past four so years. I found your initial blog on Xanga and devoured it. I've been reading since the middle of highschool, I am now a Junior in college and am glad I can stalk you for free on Tumblr. Thanks for the hysterical laughter.
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for Torie, and electro fans everywhere
I log into tumblr and see this;
just as THIS clicks into gear.
#stilllaughing #goddammit
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death machine furstock
Gale: By the way, I just got out up out of my bed naked to go dismantle a furby because it KEPT FUCKING TALKING.
Me: A...a furby? What is this, 1999?
Gale: No, my cousin found it in his house and put batteries in the evil thing.
Gale: I'm convinced it tells people to burn things.
Me: Last furby I saw murdered a family of eight.
Me: Mexicans.
Me: They didn't understand it...until too late.
Me: Murder is the universal language.
Gale: Did you go to watch when they hung it?
Me: It was a sad day for fuzzy little robots everywhere. But it crossed the line.
Me: That's the law, in these parts.
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TWO CATCH HELL STORIES IN ONE DAY? I'VE GONE MAD...
Second Chance Crawford moonlit sometimes as a repairman, when his boy wasn’t giving him hell, Catch Hell, that was. Catch Hell, Indiana. Second Chance laughed to himself as he pulled into Miller-Miller’s driveway.
Now, for some reason, some darn thing Second Chance couldn’t reckon his whole noggin around, when Theorem Miller (from Upper Absolution) and Sunshine Miller (from...
white music nerds
Me: Has anyone thought to inform Tyler The Creator on the existence of drum machines?
Left-I: Maybe he should start with a fucking metronome.
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40 Days And Nightmares
DAY ONE.
Commissioner Harp LaChance came down the stairs to Momma’s cooking. Momma LaChance made the best darn breakfast in all of Catch Hell, Indiana, and Harp was the big Commissioner, but he wasn’t too proud to still eat with his Momma.
“Momma,” said Harp, “I had me a terrible nightmare.”
Momma LaChance didn’t say a word, she just clasped Harp to...
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seriously, I need to clean my damned apartment and...
nah gonna download Misfits and then all the rare Ratatat remix albums and go to the Richmond for some books and a killer burger
mrlogos asked: WHAT DOES HE WAAAAAAAAANT?
it’s always highly amusing when people fighting against socially-constructed stereotypes end up becoming a ridiculous and monstrous parody of the very same thing.
“Seriously. Your tongue is incredibly legendary.”
– Alexis
dialogue among adults
me: sorry was distracted by dinnertime
Nick: NO FUCK YOU ENTERTAIN ME PRETTY BOY
Nick: DANCE
me: /starts taking off shirt
me: /crying
me: okay, daddy
me: /crying
me: I JUST WANNA BE A STAR!
Nick: That's nice. Real nice. Daddy likes that.
Nick: all right, I just grossed myself out. Put your shirt back on.
Nick: Money's on the nightstand.
me: hey, you're the one who called me prettyboy.
SEXING UP THE GUEST LIST, BABY
Russian Boss: Now, you know never have sex with guests, right?
Me: Yes, boss, I know.
Russian Boss: Especially not on shift.
Me: Yeah, boss, I get it.
Russian Boss: And you've never had sex with one of the guests?
Me: No, boss.
Russian Boss: Would you ever?
Me: Only for Salma Hayek.
Russian Boss: ...
Me: But I mean, what would she be doing here?
Olivia: so you want to come to a feminine sexual reacceptance seminar with me?
me: will there be boobs?
Olivia: I think you're missing the point
Olivia: it's about women who want to re-establish their identity as sexual beings without the male praxis of control and dominance
Olivia: but the inherent paradox of still wanting to be dominated and told what to do
me: so there will be boobs.
Olivia: I think you're still missing the point
me: isn't Praxis the Klingon moon from The Undiscovered Country?
Olivia: nevermind
you know, I think I’m gonna just go balls-deep into semiotic papers for awhile. because among this good mood comes a streak of mild ambition, in which I wish to intellectually better myself, rather than just keep up with the incessant smugness of a die-hard cynic.
okay, I can do both.
"That’s not tea. It’s red."
It’s blueberry tea…which is counterintuitive, I suppose.
edit: DELICIOUS SHIT THAT’S WHAT
I mean, ignore all my love-hate friendships
Couples that hate each other as much as they love each other fascinate me, in a distract sort of sense. I’m attracted to the idea of it, but, in practice, I’m far too all or nothing to split a feeling down the middle.
this good mood's ongoing consistency is starting...
I mean maybe someone’s been slipping me some hardcore goddamn drugs while I haven’t been paying attention
OR NOT
me and Hoffer’s text conversations are about as homoerotic as two german guys holding hands while buying furniture.
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chapter I.
August 11th, 1958
This is what happened.
I walked out of my car towards the ocean. The night was crisp, and lit up by the pinball machine city behind me. Bright yellow shot along the water like a different sun. I walked into the ocean, and as the water started coming up past my knees, someone started shouting. Maybe they were shouting to come back, but I didn’t hear him.
A sexy cold...
