It’s like a false awakening. I come out of a dreamworld of nonsense, punishment and skyscrapers weaving into whispering concepts. I wake up to a wet-mouthed girl on top of me, grinding need against me. This can’t be real. She’s kissing my shoulders and neck and almost moaning.
That quiet, half-ready murmur pulled to the back of the throat, like a giant cat falling asleep.
I’m awake, and she sees this.
Hi, she says.
I don’t know why — but the words that come out of my mouth are, am I in Seattle?
The grinding slows to a confused friction. Yeah, she says. Seattle. Where did you think you were?
I never know, I say. Most of the time I’m in San Francisco, but I’m somewhere else, too.
Oh, she says.
She grabs my hand and she’s very wet. Then she sucks on one of my fingers. Delicately, barely seductively. Like she’s savoring something.
I only went upstairs with you because you hit that guy, she says.
We’re in a hotel room. Outdoors is the nightly gloom of Seattle. Or somewhere. We could be on the moon. It’s grey and there’s a naked girl on top of me.
You’re very unhappy, aren’t you, she says. She sinks down to bite my ear. You’re just mad at everything. You’re violent and crazy and you didn’t stop. They were ready to throw you out of the hotel and I said I was your girlfriend and took you upstairs and you passed out.
It’s my turn to say, oh.
She’s covering my neck with slight kisses. Why are you so unhappy? What could make you that mad?
I’ve disappointed myself, I say. I let people who meant something to me down a long time ago. Now I just kind of do things.
I didn’t really hurt the guy, did I?
She shrugs. He wasn’t bleeding much. You just kept punching him in the face. She brings my hand up to suck on one of the fingers again and I see the marks. I must’ve had some things on my mind. Tomorrow I won’t even be able to make a fist. He might want revenge. While I walk out of the hotel he’ll jump me with his friends and I’ll be defenseless.
She kisses the tip of my finger, and cups her face in my hand. For the first time I realize a lot about her face. It’s nice. She also looks very young, and very smart.
Let’s fuck, she says.
Her smile is very wide and I can feel how wet she is. Outside, it’s still grey. Maybe it is the moon. Maybe it’s Hell. Maybe the hotel is lost in space and all that’s left is to screw each other senseless until we fall into a black hole.