Like, who the fuck even calls cops anymore? What a goof.
Today I fixed the label printer, the printer, the other printer, the laptop, the bigscreen’s DVD player (with a hearty whack) and in exchange I found a wallet full of yen (about a grand, exchanged) and cocaine, and my fucking idiot coworker immediately called the cops rather than considering karma was rewarding me for my fix-it attitude.
Man, ThoughtCatalog is really giving Jezebel a run for it’s money on the “unhealthy but seems intelligent” front, huh?
The Height Of Depravity
- Boss: [to some business guys] Sixteenth floor? Good job.
- Me: What the hell man?
- Boss: We're on the 34th floor. We're allowed to call anyone on a floor beneath us a "peasant" or "serf".
- Me: Uh.
- Boss: People on the 40th floor can spit on anyone on a floor below the 22nd.
- Me: ...uh.
- Boss: People on the 47th floor can legally murder.
- Me: Shut up.
Maybe you should think less about blowjobs and more about shadowy governments trying to torment and control our lives.
— a line from my dream last night
Introducing strangers to McCartney II and explaining life is meaningless a la Russian literature and smoking a bunch of weed? DONT MIND IF I DO
1. the tenderloin
she kisses me tenderly and then
one day not at all; our
pictures together vanish from facebook
one by one.
2. the financial district
I buy the angel of death a cup
of coffee for 2.67 so he
agrees to give me an extra
five years. “don’t waste it,”
3. the mission
she cruelly taunts my taste in
music, she cruelly taunts my
blue striped shirt, she cruelly
taunts her ex-boyfriend
with a neck tattoo that
looks like her.
4. the fillmore
we get really high. he tells
me about this girl with a “juicy”
ass, that’s his word for it,
"juicy". I tell him to never
change and he doesn’t.
5. the richmond
I tell my roommates to invite
"a bunch of sluts to
the party”. we all invite a
bunch of sluts to the party. our
awkward roommate still
barely gets laid.
6. south of market area
everyone is chainsmoking over
piles of cocaine, explaining
it’s their turn to put something
on the stereo. we settle for
Dusty Springfield. maybe it’s the
drugs but everything’s kind of
what the fuck is that?
8. north beach
a stripper with a mouth like
ten sailors tells me which Talking
Heads record is the best. she’s
not wrong. things stop
making sense soon after
9. the sunset
this party sucks, but how
much can you
complain about free booze?
10. outer mission
no mas, why is this
fucking bus taking forever. god
I love this bar. have you
got any smokes. have you
got any smokes.
11. the castro
this movie theater is
packed with strangers who have
the same look as me. we all
take our seats in one silent
12. the haight
listen pal if I want shitty drugs, I’ll
buy them from teenagers. oh you’re
only seventeen? well that’s no
excuse. get a job, hippie.
13. the marina
14. nob hill
there’s a combination of dive bars
that makes a man feel alive. in his
bones and in his heart. there’s also some
cheap pizza that doesn’t taste
like home, but it tries. it’s not enough,
nothing ever is.
15. pacific heights
man, let’s get out of
here. I feel like I’m in stepford
minus the personality.
hey I like a girl who appreciates
philosophy the way Zizek wipes his nose
she’s got dynamite eyes like storms in old movies,
all sound and fury signifying
special effects, she can
fight and kiss up and down the entire piano recital
like her long legged kickboxing stare showdown
glamorous trajectory, she’s
got exquisite collegiate decollatage she’s got
my god what doesn’t she have,
(decollatage is the shelf of skin
exposed by the dress,
it’s cleavage you
she’s got sharpshooter hips and stray cat
blues and eyes so green they look
hey I like a girl who
dancing like a fool invites me along, I like
big books and big butts and she doesn’t lie
still when I hold her down, she
fights tooth and nail and leaves thin scrapes down
the mess of scars on my back, she’s
an obsession almost six feet tall, she’s built
like two battleships fencing firing faster over harbors,
she’s got parts in twos and deuces and dos,
oh lord she got twice the number of what god gave her,
I never was good at math but I got a
head for figures, I got ahead for her
figuring and reasoning, like philosophy,
like Zizek gesturing wildly, “if you love
someone for a reason,
you don’t love them at all!”
Ft. Das EFX
- Boss: Is it just me or is there a bloody flood of articles about how hard it is to be an unbelievably well paid woman in tech?
- Me: There's an Ice Cube song about that.
- Boss: Ice cubes can't sing.
- Me: We are not on the same wavelength.
I’m the sentimental sort.