Like, who the fuck even calls cops anymore? What a goof.


Today I fixed the label printer, the printer, the other printer, the laptop, the bigscreen’s DVD player (with a hearty whack) and in exchange I found a wallet full of yen (about a grand, exchanged) and cocaine, and my fucking idiot coworker immediately called the cops rather than considering karma was rewarding me for my fix-it attitude.

Man, ThoughtCatalog is really giving Jezebel a run for it’s money on the “unhealthy but seems intelligent” front, huh?

The Height Of Depravity

  • Boss: [to some business guys] Sixteenth floor? Good job.
  • Me: What the hell man?
  • Boss: We're on the 34th floor. We're allowed to call anyone on a floor beneath us a "peasant" or "serf".
  • Me: Uh.
  • Boss: People on the 40th floor can spit on anyone on a floor below the 22nd.
  • Me: ...uh.
  • Boss: People on the 47th floor can legally murder.
  • Me: Shut up.

Maybe you should think less about blowjobs and more about shadowy governments trying to torment and control our lives.

— a line from my dream last night 

guys I’m so sandwich I’m high  (at Evil Voodoo Nuclear Judo Bot)

guys I’m so sandwich I’m high (at Evil Voodoo Nuclear Judo Bot)

Introducing strangers to McCartney II and explaining life is meaningless a la Russian literature and smoking a bunch of weed? DONT MIND IF I DO

We Are San Francisco

1. the tenderloin 

she kisses me tenderly and then
one day not at all; our 
pictures together vanish from facebook
one by one. 

2. the financial district

I buy the angel of death a cup
of coffee for 2.67 so he
agrees to give me an extra 
five years. “don’t waste it,”
he grumbles. 

3. the mission 

she cruelly taunts my taste in 
music, she cruelly taunts my 
blue striped shirt, she cruelly 
taunts her ex-boyfriend 
with a neck tattoo that 
looks like her. 

4. the fillmore 

we get really high. he tells
me about this girl with a “juicy”
ass, that’s his word for it, 
"juicy". I tell him to never 
change and he doesn’t. 

5. the richmond

I tell my roommates to invite
"a bunch of sluts to
the party”. we all invite a 
bunch of sluts to the party. our
awkward roommate still 
barely gets laid. 

6. south of market area

everyone is chainsmoking over
piles of cocaine, explaining 
it’s their turn to put something 
on the stereo. we settle for 
Dusty Springfield. maybe it’s the
drugs but everything’s kind of

7. chinatown

no, really
what the fuck is that? 

8. north beach

a stripper with a mouth like
ten sailors tells me which Talking
Heads record is the best. she’s
not wrong. things stop 
making sense soon after

9. the sunset 

this party sucks, but how
much can you
complain about free booze? 

10. outer mission 

no comprende, 
no mas, why is this
fucking bus taking forever. god
I love this bar. have you 
got any smokes. have you
got any smokes. 

11. the castro 

this movie theater is 
packed with strangers who have
the same look as me. we all 
take our seats in one silent

12. the haight  

listen pal if I want shitty drugs, I’ll 
buy them from teenagers. oh you’re
only seventeen? well that’s no
excuse. get a job, hippie. 

13. the marina 

fuck that 

14. nob hill

there’s a combination of dive bars 
that makes a man feel alive. in his 
bones and in his heart. there’s also some
cheap pizza that doesn’t taste 
like home, but it tries. it’s not enough,
nothing ever is. 

15. pacific heights

man, let’s get out of
here. I feel like I’m in stepford 
minus the personality. 

In The Details, More Than Devils

hey I like a girl who appreciates
philosophy the way Zizek wipes his nose
she’s got dynamite eyes like storms in old movies, 
all sound and fury signifying 
special effects, she can 
fight and kiss up and down the entire piano recital 
like her long legged kickboxing stare showdown 
glamorous trajectory, she’s 
got exquisite collegiate decollatage she’s got
my god what doesn’t she have, 
(decollatage is the shelf of skin
exposed by the dress, 
it’s cleavage you
fuckin’ animals) 
she’s got sharpshooter hips and stray cat
blues and eyes so green they look 
brand new, 
hey I like a girl who
dancing like a fool invites me along, I like
big books and big butts and she doesn’t lie
still when I hold her down, she
fights tooth and nail and leaves thin scrapes down
the mess of scars on my back, she’s 
an obsession almost six feet tall, she’s built 
like two battleships fencing firing faster over harbors, 
she’s got parts in twos and deuces and dos, 
oh lord she got twice the number of what god gave her, 
I never was good at math but I got a 
head for figures, I got ahead for her 
figuring and reasoning, like philosophy, 
like Zizek gesturing wildly, “if you love 
someone for a reason, 
you don’t love them at all!” 

Ft. Das EFX

  • Boss: Is it just me or is there a bloody flood of articles about how hard it is to be an unbelievably well paid woman in tech?
  • Me: There's an Ice Cube song about that.
  • Boss: Ice cubes can't sing.
  • Me: We are not on the same wavelength.

I’m the sentimental sort.

Stupid ocean. Stupid boats. Stupid piers. Stupid fucking evil fucking sun. Stupid islands.

Stupid ocean. Stupid boats. Stupid piers. Stupid fucking evil fucking sun. Stupid islands.